i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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