you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
