i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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