dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
