The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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