When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
