So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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