I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize