Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
