Please, let me fuck your mom
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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