guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
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Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
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Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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