Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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