Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
a search helicopter?!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
