Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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