it wasn't lemon gatorade
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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