I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
what is it with giant penises always finding me
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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