I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
