there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just gift wrapped bread.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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