My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
