The maid of honor just puked.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
