Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
