I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
