If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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