Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
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He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
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He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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