i permit you to call me
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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