the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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