Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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