just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
