How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
