so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
