an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
