Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
