I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
