I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
