i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
