I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
