if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
