I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
