life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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