I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
