Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
