having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
