Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
