Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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