I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
