Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
tell me about the eggs
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
