forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
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If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
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I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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