I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
