Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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