I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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