What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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