I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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