At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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