there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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