I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
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I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
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He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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