Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
