I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
