Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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