6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
