I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
